Sex Question Friday: Is Sex Better If You Do It With Someone You Love?

Every Friday on the blog, I answer people’s questions about sex,
love, and relationships. This week’s question comes from a reader who wanted to
know whether the quality of the sex you have depends upon how you feel about
your partner.

I have often heard sex is
better with someone you love, always from people who have had many sexual
partners, so I am wondering is sex really more pleasurable with someone you
love?

Great question! The research I’ve seen has pretty
consistently found that people in committed, romantic relationships report
being more sexually satisfied than people who are in casual (i.e., non-romantic) relationships.
For example, I recently published a study comparing the sex lives of people in
romantic relationships to people who had a “friends with benefits”
relationship [1]. On average, people in both types of relationships reported
being sexually satisfied; however, levels of satisfaction were significantly
higher among those who were in romances. This tells us that sex with a casual partner can still be very good and enjoyable—but people seem to think sex is even a little better with a romantic partner. What
accounts for this difference? In our research, we found that romantic partners
had better sexual communication than friends with benefits. Specifically,
romantic partners were more likely to report discussing their sexual needs and
desires with their partners, which may have ultimately led to more satisfying
sexual experiences.

One other bit of data that’s particularly relevant to your
question is research looking at people’s likelihood of experiencing orgasm in
different types of relationships. What this research has found is that men
pretty consistently experience orgasm regardless of relationship type.
Specifically, 94% of men in dating relationships report that they always or
usually orgasm with their partner, compared to 95% of men in marital
relationships [2]. For women, however, there’s a different story. Among women
in dating relationships, 62% report that they always or usually orgasm with
their partner. In contrast, among married women, the number jumps to 75% [2].

Again, this is likely a function of better sexual
communication as relationship intimacy increases. However, it’s probably also
partly a result of partner-specific learning. In other words, with more sexual
experience, women’s partners may learn better how to sexually satisfy them,
which is important because different women experience different routes to
orgasm. Another piece of evidence consistent with this idea is research finding that the more sexual hookups
a woman has had with the same partner, the more likely she is to experience
orgasm with that partner [3].

In short, it does seem to be the case that people who love
their partners have somewhat more satisfying sex and, at least among women,
more consistent experiences with orgasm. Again, however, this isn’t to say that casual
sex is bad or that people shouldn’t do it—people still report that casual sex is pretty satisfying, just not quite as
satisfying as sex with a romantic partner.

For past Sex Question Friday posts, see here. Want to learn more about The Psychology of Human Sexuality? Click here for a complete list of articles or like the Facebook page to get articles delivered to your newsfeed.

[1] Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., &
satisfying as sex with a romantic partner.

For past Sex Question Friday posts, see here. Want to learn more about The Psychology of Human Sexuality? Click here for a complete list of articles or like the Facebook page to get articles delivered to your newsfeed.

[1] Lehmiller, J. J., VanderDrift, L. E., &
Kelly, J. R. (in press). Sexual communication, satisfaction, and condom use
behavior in friends with benefits and romantic partners. The Journal of Sex Research.

[2] Laumann, E. O., Gagnon, J., Michael, R., & Michaels, S.
(1994). The social organization of sexuality: Sexual practices in the United
States. Chicago: University of Chicago Press.

[3] Armstrong, E. A., England, P., & Fogarty, A. C. K. (2012).
Accounting for women’s orgasm and sexual enjoyment in college hookups and
relationships. American Sociological Review, 77, 435-462.

Image Source: iStockphoto.com

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• What Makes A Woman More Likely To Orgasm During A Hookup?
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