Sex Question Friday: My Boyfriend Likes Wearing Women’s Stockings. Is He Gay?
Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller Posted on Friday, July 27, 2012 at 6:00AM 
Every time I tell someone what I do for a living, they take it as an opportunity to get some free sex and relationship advice. I don’t really mind because this is what interests me after all. Not only that, but the questions I get asked serve as great fodder for the blog! One of the most interesting questions I’ve been asked lately came from a woman I met at a party who was very concerned that her boyfriend might secretly be gay. Below, I provide a recap of her story and a more elaborated version of my response.
My boyfriend is a masculine guy. He’s a steel worker, which means he’s pretty built and pretty macho. We’ve been together for a little while and have a good sex life. However, the other day, he asked me to put my stockings on him while we were making love. I thought it was a joke at first and played along. But it turns out it wasn’t a joke at all—he really enjoyed it. And I mean REALLY enjoyed it. Now it seems like he wants to wear them all the time. I’m confused. Is he gay or what?
Without meeting your boyfriend or talking to him, I can’t tell you with absolute certainly what’s going on, but my guess is that he’s not gay at all. Instead, it sounds like what’s going on here is that your boyfriend has a fetish for women’s stockings. Fetishes refer to cases where a person’s sexual desires and behaviors are dependent upon the presence of a specific object, such as shoes, panties, or feet (although people can have fetishes for virtually anything). People with fetishes need their object around during sexual activity in order to achieve maximum pleasure. It may still be possible for them to become aroused and achieve orgasm without the object, but sexual pleasure is usually less intense in these cases.
Fetishists connect their objects to sex in different ways. Some people like to fondle, sniff, or lick their items, while others like to wear them. In the case of people who like to wear clothing of the other sex (i.e., men who dress up as women or women who dress up as men), this is known as transvestic fetishism or transvestism. There are varying degrees of transvestism, with some people wearing just one piece of the other sex’s clothing, and others giving it the full Rocky Horror treatment. So although your boyfriend isn’t putting on makeup and dresses (at least not that I know of), the fact that he likes to wear your stocking during sex suggests that he is probably a transvestite.
Here are a couple of important things you should know about transvestism: First, your typical transvestite is actually a heterosexual, married man.1 Contrary to popular belief, a guy who gets turned on by wearing women’s clothes is unlikely to be gay. Second, although transvestic fetishism appears in the DSM, the manual that psychiatrists and psychologist use in diagnosing mental disorders, it is not truly considered a disorder unless it causes personal distress or impairment in one’s life. So unless the desire to wear stockings during sex is causing your boyfriend personal problems, his behavior does not necessarily meet the clinical criteria that would merit treatment. And third, being a transvestite just means you get turned on by dressing up as a member of the other sex--it does not mean that you actually want a sex change (see here for an article about the difference between transvestites and transsexuals).
What you need to decide is whether you’re comfortable with your boyfriend’s sexual behavior. If it’s something that really bothers you or turns you off, there probably isn’t much hope for the relationship. He may be very comfortable with himself and his sexuality, so he may have no desire to change and you do not have the ability to force him to do so. And even if he does want to change, treatment of fetishes can be difficult, so there’s no guarantee that he will lose his penchant for stockings. However, if you think you can live with and accept this behavior, there’s no reason you two can’t have a normal and healthy relationship. In fact, research on cross-dressing married men has found that most wives are actually accepting of their husband’s behavior.2 Some of these women reported going as far as helping their husbands get dressed in women’s clothes—and some even said they helped their husbands apply makeup! As you can see, fetishes don’t necessarily have to be a relationship deal-breaker. You just have to figure out if he’s the right guy for you.
To read more about fetishes and why they develop in the first place, check out this article.
For past Sex Question Friday posts, see here. Want to learn more about The Psychology of Human Sexuality? Click here for a complete list of articles or like the Facebook page to get articles delivered to your newsfeed.
1Docter, R. F., & Prince, V. (1997). Transvestism: A survey of 1032 cross-dressers. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 26, 589-605.
2Talamini, J. T. (1982). Boys will be girls: The hidden world of the heterosexual male transvestite. Washington D.C.: University Press.
Image Soure: http://samsthatoneguy.tumblr.com/post/18195918396/intensively-looking-at-the-shadow-in-front-of-the
Reader Comments (3)
I'd like to add that, while the term transvestite may be clinically accurate, many people who engage in this behavior can find it offensive - of the people I've known, many have preferred to be referred to as crossdressers.
Transvestite is the correct clinical and scientific term for someone who cross dresses for purposes of sexual arousal. I used it in the article to be scientifically accurate, not to derogate anyone. How people perceive sexuality terms and labels is a complex issue. I'm of the mindset that people should be able to adopt whatever terms or identities they're most comfortable with. As an analogy, some people with a same-sex orientation find the term "queer" offensive, while others identify with that label (same goes for "homosexual"). Thus, it can be hard to find a label that everyone within a given subgroup feels universally positive about.
Yep, sounds like my man. He's not gay (not attracted to men or the idea of 'being a woman with a man' at all) he just loves wearing nylons and heels to an extreme degree. He gets off on imagining his own feet and legs in a mirror as certain women's from his past, pornos, news broadcasters, chicks he passed on the street, whatever. And ALWAYS as a lesbian, in lesbian scenarios. He refers to himself as a "lesbian with a built-in strap-on." I wouldn't have a problem with this if he could also get off on ME as much as he does with his cross-dressed legs and feet in private. I am very cute, slim, toned and dig nylon & heels & kinky sex as well...and in the beginning he went crazy for me physically. However, even in the lusty early days, there was never any actual "successful" intercourse. He'd start to loose it the moment the focus drifted from NYLON SHOES FEET LESBIAN FANTASY. Reality, even the reality of his hot, willing girlfriend, was not ever enough to truly excite him off after the first few weeks. Ok....I am rambling here now...but my point is this - I have realized that certain fetishes can definitely become a compulsive addiction to get guys off. The more they do it, the more they need to do it, like any addiction. Its the "naughty boy" element that never gets old to them, that they find hot, regardless of any sugar-coated explanations about "getting in touch with their feminine side." They fetishize their somewhat adolescent IDEA of a "woman" and the objects that bring that "idea" to erotic life. However, a transvestic fetishist is not going to be content with just worshiping YOUR feet and heels like a "typical" fetishish. They get off on the idea of themselves being "a naughty bad boy wearing his mommy's/sister's clothes" ("that 'pee-your-pants' feeling" my bf once described it). Let me clarify that I am NOT judging this in the slightest, nor do I even find it that strange or hard to understand. I guess I am just saying this as a warning to women involved with someone similar. Be careful if you know in your heart you can't be content with your man, in the long run, getting off more on HIMSELF, not you. Your role will be simply to add dimension to his very specific fantasy. Your fantasy, or your need for a deeper, shared connection, sexually, isn't of concern (to his penis at least ;) And in the end, when he has exhausted the novelty of a "real" woman role-playing with the naughty man-child in girlie clothes, he will go back to his own endless vault of fantasies (or realities) to keep the obsession alive. My situation is especially tough, because aside from sexually, he is the most attentive, affectionate, funny, sincere, honest, loyal and sensitive guy I have ever been with. And I know the value of that. But I am also sexual, and as a woman need to feel desired for who I really am...at least part of the time! I don't want orgasms as "favors" from of the generosity of a thoughtful man, I need them to be from his own lust and hunger for ME.