Sex Question Friday: I Have Trouble Getting Physical Because of My Past. What Can I Do?
Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller Posted on Friday, June 1, 2012 at 6:01AM Every Friday on the blog, I answer questions about sex, love, and relationships. This week’s question comes from a reader of the blog who is having issues expressing physical intimacy as a result of a previous sexual trauma.
I have a problem getting physical with anyone because of my past. I was molested and almost raped when I was younger and anytime I try to be physical with my partner, I start having a panic attack. Are there any studies about this kind of thing about a solution? It doesn’t help that my partner isn't as understanding as they should be, but I would really like to get past this. Thanks for any help you can offer.
Thank you for your question and for sharing your story. It is an unfortunate reality in our world that childhood sexual abuse is a common occurrence. In fact, a recent study considering data from 22 different countries found that about 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 12 boys were sexually abused before the age of 18.1 Survivors of childhood sexual abuse often experience physical and psychological aftereffects, including depression, anxiety, and post-traumatic stress. Many survivors also have difficulties developing and maintaining sexual and romantic relationships as adults.2,3 Thus, you are certainly not alone in your experiences.
You are doing the right thing by seeking help, and you will be relieved to know that the effects you are experiencing are likely treatable. It has been well-established in the scientific literature that adults who seek clinical treatment for childhood sexual abuse typically experience a significant reduction in psychological symptoms as well as improvements in developing relationships.4 Thus, the best advice I can give you is to seek professional help. Please keep in mind that there is not a quick and easy solution to the difficulties you are experiencing, and it is unlikely that you will find the help that you need in a book or on the Internet. Your best bet is to find a licensed psychologist or psychiatrist who specializes in treating issues of sexual abuse and to begin a treatment program as soon as possible.
If you aren’t sure where to start with this, consider checking in with the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network or another sexual assault response center because they can assist you in finding a local counselor as well as provide you with additional information and resources that you may find to be helpful.
As for the issue with your partner, it is unfortunate that they are not as understanding as you need them to be. My guess is that he or she has simply never dealt with issues of sexual abuse before and does not know how to respond properly and be supportive. They may also be experiencing their own emotional reactions to your abuse that they are not sure how to cope with. If you feel comfortable doing so, you may wish to sit down with your partner and have a conversation about what you are feeling and what you need from them. Alternatively, you might send your partner a link to a webpage about how to help a loved one who has experienced sexual abuse (such as this one). If you try these things and your partner still isn’t being supportive, then you may need to reevaluate whether this relationship is right for you because you need and deserve an understanding partner.
For past Sex Question Friday posts, see here. Want to learn more about The Psychology of Human Sexuality? Click here for a complete list of articles or like the Facebook page to get articles delivered to your newsfeed.
1Pereda, N., Guilera, G., Forns, M., & Gomez-Benito, J. (2009). The prevalence of child sexual abuse in community and student samples: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review, 29, 328-338.
2Leonard, L. M., & Follette, V. M. (2002). Sexual functioning in women reporting a history of child sexual abuse: Review of the empirical literature and clinical implications. Annual Review of Sex Research, 13, 346-388.
3Colman, R. A., & Widom, C. S. (2004). Childhood abuse and neglect and adult intimate relationships: A prospective study. Child Abuse & Neglect, 28, 1133-1151.
4Price, J. L., Hilsenroth, M. J., Petretic-Jackson, P. A., & Bonge, D. (2001). A review of individual psychotherapy outcomes for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Clinical Psychology Review, 21, 1095-1121.
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Reader Comments (4)
This is all really helpful info. Thank you for writing this.
What would you suggest for a couple who is working through this sort of thing (actively seeking help). Where the husband is very supportive of his wife who has been traumatized, and is working with her on it, and really genuinely cares and has deep compassion - yet also at the same time really honestly believes (due to cultural conditioning) that he is being "deprived" of the sex that he is owed (by way of marriage). And that the wife had better get over this problem "fairly soon", to be able to provide for his bodily needs soon (as she indirectly promised, at the time of choosing to marry him), so he will feel like a husband and not - shamefully - like merely a friend, or her "dad". The persistence of the problem feeds his sense of being a sucker, or being emasculated. Thus adding to her guilt and shame, feeling like she's causing him pain/harm, feeling pressured to hurry it up (lest she continue to hurt his feelings, and face loss and rejection, too), and her deep-down fear that she is -ultimately- an object for pleasure, only lovable if she's providing sex and sexual pleasure. Thus also prolonging her healing (the guilt and pressure). And thereby also contributing to the husband's increasing resentment - and honest-to-god ingrained belief - that he is being short-changed, and gypped out of what he considers a "basic biological need" of his - that is a basic requirement, in his understanding, for both romantic love and marriage.
(Vicious cycle, right?) Any advice?
Thank you for your positive comments about the article and for sharing your own story.
In your own words, you describe your husband as "very supportive of his wife who has been traumatized, and is working with her on it, and really genuinely cares and has deep compassion." However, his actions don't seem to be consistent with this--rather, he seems to be pressuring you into physical intimacy so that he can meet his own needs when you're not yet ready. So it sounds to me like he's not as supportive as you need him to be, and he is actually adding another level of stress and anxiety that is exacerbating the problem. This is not a healthy situation for either of you.
In this case, I think some form of couple's counseling would be appropriate because there's not just the issue of your past trauma here, there's also a fundamental dynamic of your marriage that needs to be addressed. I recommend finding a psychologist or marriage counselor who specializes in sexual issues because I think that will be most likely to give you the help that you need. Hope that helps!
Well, the counselor we were seeing for awhile ended up urging me to try to understand how "hurt" my husband must be because of all this. And that this is normal and natural for him to be hurt, because a man's very sense of himself and his worth is directly tied to his "sexual prowess". That success in the bedroom is the very reason why men do everything they do, why they wish to be successful at work, why they wish to earn good incomes: in order to be a stud with the ladies, or at the very least, their one lady at home, who praises their "sexual prowess".
(So I am damaging my husband's fundamental sense of who he is.)
Needless to say, that counseling situation didn't work out so well. Not to mention, that if I hear the phrase "sexual prowess" again, I think I might scream.
Anyway, I know that this is not the forum for further back-and-forth (or online "counseling"). Perhaps other counselors exist who might have a different point of view? How does one know, before investing months (and thousands of dollars) with them?
It sounds to me like you need a new therapist! Unfortunately, not all counselors are created equal--some are definitely better than others, and it can be hard to know who's good and who isn't. Your best bet would be to get a recommendation from someone who has received counseling or therapy before. That can be tricky, though, because that's not the kind of thing that naturally comes up in conversation (many people are embarrassed to admit that they saw a psychologist or psychiatrist, even though there's no shame in getting help!). Perhaps if you join an online sexual assault survivor's group or forum, you may be able to get advice from other members on who to see or who to avoid. Alternatively, if you contact RAINN, they may be able to provide you with a list of counselors who at least have relevant experience in this area (which is probably better than just picking someone out of a phonebook).
I would suggest that when you do identify a new counselor, you see him or her on your own first to make sure you're comfortable with their approach to therapy and how they respond to your situation before bringing your husband into the mix. If you don't feel comfortable with the new person right away, then you can try someone else without having lost too much money or time. I wish you the best and sincerely hope you find the help that you need!